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Women!!! and men!

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
£3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."




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