Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the world looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey, and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him, and is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on, and takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me."

"Great," says his mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum? I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"