A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop. The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open. The doctor answers, Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode. Oh, I see, says the intern. They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor, What is up with THAT? The doctor says, Same condition, better medical plan.

A Nun entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine". "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f**k all but moan since you've been here."

2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don`t even have a racket."

A Scottish ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

Monkey in the bar A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the! monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey. 'But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag.

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they're like onions." Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said can I ask a personal question? The daughter asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree." A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."